I'm Not Sure What I Want Anymore: In Regards to Dating (Online and in the Real World)

Hey y'all!

First of all, thanks to all of my continuous followers! I know I haven't made a post in forever and I apologize for that. But I appreciate your patience and your interest in my work.

Tonight's post is me going to be gabbing on about my love life. (or the lack thereof. Whatever.)

So, I've made a couple of posts about this already, but here's another one.

The other day, I happened to meet someone online. Well, actually, on an app. The Whisper app to be exact.

Now, I used to be very apprehensive about meeting anyone online. Let's face it, I thought it was embarrassing. It's certainly nontraditional and not necessarily an accepted method for meeting new people for everyone. But, to say the least, I've LITERALLY tried almost every online dating website that there is.

Plenty of Fish (which I HIGHLY do NOT recommend as I consider it the "projects" of the dating world. I have told this to numerous friends. Please excuse my insulting use of a microaggression, but it really is the WORST of all the dating websites. I met some serious perverts and assholes on this one.)

eVow.com (by the creators of POF. It's supposed to be more suited towards those rare folk who actually WANT romantic, committed, long-term relationships, but it's JUST as bad as POF if not worse! I will tell you about the "JackHammer" story later, for those of you who don't already know it!)

Match.com

eHarmony (which is A LOT different than it used to be. Back in the day when the website was first around, membership required you to take an entire day's worth of personality quizzes that determined your perfect match, which in reality is just a bunch of BS! I actually wasted hours of my life taking these quizzes and after all of my time spent, it said I was un-matchable! How ridiculous! Apparently I couldn't fit into any of their "categories". So be it! I'm happier I didn't! But now, the website doesn't even require you to do any of that, so there's no point to it.)

Zoosk

Black People Meet (um.  .  . whatever floats your boat, right?)

Christian Mingle

OkCupid  (which I would recommend as the BEST free online dating place, if I didn't meet so many weirdos, jerks, and freaks on it. *rolling my eyes and SMH*)

Heck, I've even tried several hotlines and recently Tinder. (which is fun, albeit not the best place to meet someone serious. More oriented towards hook-ups)

Luckily, I have NOT been desperate enough to try Craigslist just yet. (and hopefully I never will, but my cousins and I ARE working on a parody of it called CraigsLust. I'll leave info about it sooner or later)

But, to get to the point, I would NOT be sharing all of this info with you and putting myself at risk for criticism and judgement if it were NOT to share my experiences with you and prevent you from making the many dating mistakes that I have. And I'm telling you, though there are a FEW lucky ones who DO happen to meet their "soulmates" through these mediums, if I were you, I would STAY AWAY from them altogether, just to be safe. If you want to meet someone, do it the old fashioned way, in public, at the coffee shop, in class, at the gym, at church, in a club, etc. Because I have had NOTHING but BAD EXPERIENCES with ALL of the online dating sites listed above.

With that being said, I was NOT looking to meet anyone the other day. Not at all. But it's funny how life just seems to work that way. You always get what you're looking for when you STOP searching for it. But perhaps this wasn't really what I was looking for.  .  .


like, .  .  . at ALL.

So here's what happened:

A few months back, right after my birthday, I made an investment in my first ever Smartphone. Before, I had REFUSED to purchase one because I was truly content with my regular mobile device that didn't have all of the sophisticated and fancy features that a Smartphone does. But, I quickly had to reevaluate my thinking when my normal "dumb" phone started acting up and shutting off whenever it felt like it. So, I had no choice but to get a new phone, and I decided to join the program and the current times by making the switch over to a Samsung Galaxy Express. Convenient because I can still have the AT&T GoPhone plan with it but also have the luxury of an Android. (no, I am NOT being paid to promote AT&T or Samsung in anyway, thank you very much)

Well, I started liking it a lot and taking advantage of all of the new features I was foreign to, and with the suggestions of a few of my friends, I downloaded several useful and fun apps. One of those being Whisper.

That being said, let me tell you right away, the Whisper app is ADDICTIVE! In case you don't already have it or know what it is, it's a place for local members to post anonymous confessions with cool pictures behind them, and anyone can "heart", comment, or reply personally to these confessions. So I thought it was REALLY creative and fun!

Well, .  .  . I got used to using it and happened to post a confession that got 99 hearts. My most EVER!

Because I'm not ashamed of my post or afraid to share my confession with the world (which, in fact, I'm actually proud of), here it is:

Isn't it cute and funny! ;)  At least I thought so, and apparently 99 other people did as well.

And because I'm not a copycat and I LOVE to give credit where it's due, I actually thought this up after watching this YouTube vid, which is HILARIOUS, so check it out if you have the chance: 

^^^This installment of Epic Rap Battles of History featuring Key and Peele is HILARIOUS!

Okay, to get back to the point of this blog post, I made that confession to be funny and honest, and I didn't think I'd end up meeting someone through it. But. I. Did.

I met this guy who seemed EXTREMELY sweet. We seemed to get along REALLY well. We ended up having a long, detailed convo that connected us at the hip and we learned that we had a TON in common. It was kinda creepy, actually. 

Before we know it, we start sending each other pics. And he starts calling me his babe. And he calls me beautiful, several times. (which I have a HUGE weak spot for because of previous affairs I'll mention later) And we kind of end up being a thing. 

So, he's here in NY. And guess what? I'm HERE IN NY AS WELL! (which I will blog about VERY soon, so be on the look out for that as well) And we decide to meet up. 

Let's just say, at first, I was REALLY looking forward to it. This dude seemed too good to be true. And I was excited to meet him. He seemed like a very intelligent, romantic, compassionate, affectionate, and mature person, and I thought meeting him in person would be the best thing ever. 

Well, it was not. 

It wasn't HORRIBLE, per se. We had a REALLY intense make out sesh that was kind of the farthest I've ever went with a guy. And he was a total sweetheart. 

But.  .  . 

I just didn't feel anything. Like, .  .  . ANYTHING. AT ALL. 

:(  *major sad face*

So, I feel like a total bitch for leading him on. I REALLY thought there could be something between us, but I felt like there was NO chemistry AT ALL. And yes, he was kind, and he was sweet, and he was gentle, but IDK what's wrong with me!

I felt NO sparks. I felt NO excitement. I felt NO connection. And I felt BAD for it. 

Maybe it was because we had a little TOO much in common. And I was thinking that in the beginning, how I shouldn't date a guy like him because he's too similar to me, and things wouldn't work out. 

Perhaps I was right. I really don't know. But now, I'm really not sure what I want anymore. 

I've gone on various rants where I express how I really don't mind the single life. And I do feel that way. (ESPECIALLY when I'm dancing dirty @ the club with sexy guys all over me, you know what I mean?!)

But deep down, there will ALWAYS be the part of me that is a hopeless romantic who wishes for so much more. But, will I ever even FIND more?

This guy was nice. He was REALLY into me, and I REALLY appreciated that and it made me want to be with him. But after being with him, I wanted to run away. What gives!?

I'm absolutely NOT afraid of commitment. That's NOT what it was. And I'm NOT afraid of trusting someone. That's NOT what it was either. 

But it seems like every time I meet someone who really likes me, I just DON'T like them. 

And vice versa. 

Just a few weeks ago, I ended up meeting a REALLY cute guy on Tinder. I thought he was SUPER attractive, and he seemed VERY chill and laid back, which I liked a lot. 

He came over and spent the night. (No sex involved. Just kissing and cuddling and sleeping in the same bed.) 

I thought he seemed very patient and interested in me. 

But when I never received another call, text, message, or reply from him at all whatsoever, I learned that I was mistaken. 

How is it that guys have NO problem falling off of the face of the earth!? Like, WTF!?

I REALLY liked this guy, and he disappeared into thin air, not even leaving a note behind for me to understand why. 

And I started blaming myself for it. Like, what could I have POSSIBLY done wrong to push him away?

Did he think I was unattractive? Was it because I gained too much weight? Did I look ugly in real life compared to my profile pictures? Should I have been wearing make-up? Was it my hair style?

Or was it the way I acted? Did I come off too strong?! Did I seem too desperate? Was I TOO affectionate? Was I too obsessive or passionate!? (Come on now, can you even be TOO passionate? Is that even possible?)

Or did I kick him in his sleep? I don't fuckin' know! But all of these irrational thoughts started filling my head and making me feel like a horrible person. 

In Therapy, I discussed this, and my Therapist brought me to the realization that I was completely beating myself up about it. What if the problem wasn't me, but it was him? 

So, I thought about it. What if he was afraid of intimacy? What if he wasn't ready to commit? What if he was intimidated by me? What if he felt inadequate compared to me? (I was working that night, and I was VERY busy, and he saw this. And perhaps he admired it and didn't feel worthy of someone as hardworking as me? IDK, it could be a possible answer.) 

That all made me feel better about myself. But in the end, this guy was still pushed away. And I still don't know the legit reason why. And I really liked him. 

Why does life work this way?! I just don't know anymore. 

But when it comes to relationships, I guess I'm good for now. I'm good without one. Cause they're too confusing, too difficult, and I just can't seem to find chemistry with those who have a deep admiration for me, and those who I have a deep admiration for end up running the other way. So WTF!?

I'm just gonna continue to be happy with whatever life gives me. I'm in New York for crying out loud! On the other damn side of the nation when I wasn't even allowed to go outside as a kid! 

And I'm in good health (I haven't gotten a cold all year long, which is a FIRST for me) and I have sooo many amazing friends who care about me, I have everything I need and I'm in really good spirits, so why NOT be happy? 

As always, Thanks for reading. :)