Myths About Feminism

Hi friends!

So, there is a pressing issue at hand that has been around for years and I'm upset that it even still exists.

Before I start this post, I want to begin by saying that yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I think this is a great thing. It's necessary to keep the world going and ensure the cultivation of diversity.

However, I would like to pose these questions: if your opinion is misled by lies and false information, is it really valid or acceptable?  Shouldn't you educate yourself as necessary to form a new, appropriate opinion that is based on facts and not on fiction?

If you think my above questions make sense and are rational, then you'll understand the rest of the contents in this post. If not, then you'll probably get offended somehow by what I have to say.

Anti-feminists seem to be against Feminism and have hate towards it because they have all of these preconceived notions about it. But all of their assumptions are based on misinterpretations of what it's really about. They take everything we fight for as Feminists and twist it, turn it upside down, blow it out of proportion, distort it and then say that it's stupid and useless when that's just the opposite of what it really is.

What makes me shake my head the most is that these little anti-feminists like to blog about their false perceptions of Feminism on Tumblr and other social media websites when they don't even realize that THEY WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO WRITE AND VOICE THEIR OPINIONS IF IT WEREN'T FOR FEMINISM IN THE FIRST PLACE! How ironic is that! (*rolling my eyes*)

So, here, I take the liberty of nipping in the bud just a few of their myths about Feminism.

Myth #1: Feminism is Against Men

This argument seems to be used A LOT by anti-feminists trying to tear down Feminism, and it is absolutely not the case. Sure, the name and title itself, Feminism (or Womanism or Women's Studies), seems to be aimed towards solely women, but that's because it's a bit outdated. It originated during the women's suffrage movement, but it has changed drastically. Today, we are starting to use Humanism and Gender Studies more often to be more inclusive and show that we are not only supporting women, but MEN TOO! If you're truly a Feminist, you do NOT attack men or hate them. You embrace them and work to support them just as much as women. Feminism's main goal is to dismantle the evils associated with patriarchy and destroy all forms of oppression, not to put women on a pedestal and say they're "greater" or "mightier" than men. It's to make BOTH genders/sexes (and anything in between) EQUAL. Also, Feminism has evolved to include not only Gender, but all aspects of identity, including but not limited to race/ethnicity, class, religion, sexuality, ability, culture, language, appearance, etc. It is the basic notion that ALL humans should be treated equally regardless of their background or identities.


Myth #2 Feminism Treats Women as the Victim

Again, this is NOT true. One of the main points of Feminism is to prove that women AREN'T victims. Sure, SOME (and the key word here is "SOME") women are victims of abuse, sexual assault/harassment, and other disadvantages, but so are MANY other people who don't necessarily identify as women. Feminism serves to prove that women can be autonomous, independent and agents of positive social change without depending upon men to live their lives.


Myth #3 Feminism is Against Women of Color

This is a more complex one. Like I stated earlier in Myth #1, Feminism is this seemingly radical idea that ALL people, regardless of identity/background, should be treated equally. Some believe that Feminism is mostly aimed toward White, upper-class, heterosexual women and excludes women and people of minority groups and lower socio-economic standings. This is NOT true. Feminism originated during the 1920s women's suffrage movement, meaning that women were trying to get the right to vote. Yes, you have the right to vote now as a woman BECAUSE of this movement. Yes, it was initially started by predominantly White, heterosexual women, but there were later waves of Feminism. The origin is considered 1st Wave Feminism. The 1960s-70s sparked the 2nd wave of Feminism where women of color and lower classes let their voices be heard. If you think that Feminism only supports White women, think again! Look at all of the women of color (and some who were even queer) who were the pioneers of 2nd wave Feminism, like Gloria E. Anzaldúa, Audre Lorde, Angela Davis, bell hooks (no, this is not a typo, she spells her name in all lower case letters), Kate Bornstein, etc. Heck, one White, female author, Peggy McIntosh, wrote an entire essay on the privilege that White women/people have and highlighted the necessity of acknowledging it for heaven's sake! The 3rd wave of Feminism is considered to be our modern time with the implementation of technology, social network activism, and grass-roots organizing done online, making it more accessible for the masses. So Feminism is for EVERYONE! Not just one group of women!

Myth #4 Feminism is No Longer Necessary 

This one makes me laugh! I wish it were a reality, but it's not. So many people choose to turn a blind eye to all of the inequality we still have around today and pretend that it doesn't exist, but these actions are ignorant and inconsiderate. If Feminism is no longer needed, why do we still have war? Why is there still gay bashing, homophobia and transphobia? Why is there still discrimination? Why is there still a glass ceiling? Why are boys still taught to be tough, stern, aggressive and scolded when they show any other feeling besides anger? Why are girls still taught to be passive, emotional, empathetic, accepting, and subservient and scoffed at for being assertive or strong? Why are there double standards between women's and men's expression of sexuality? Why is rape culture still causing victims to be blamed for their own assaults? Why is there still racism and xenophobia in our own country? (Like Donald Trump's horrendous views on Mexicans and Muslims!) These are just a few of the problems that Feminism seeks to fix, which is why it is STILL greatly needed.

Feminism is your friend, not your foe. 

    (^^^Awesome video by Buzzfeed about who identifies as a Feminist and why you should too!^^^)

¡Viva el movimiento feminista!

Thanks for reading. =)

Falling in Love Too Fast

Brace yourselves. This blog post will most likely be a sad one.

Just a little while ago, I had the pleasure of meeting a man who is so close to my ideal dream. He was about 5'10",  long, wavy, dark brown hair, brown eyes with a bit of a golden glow, just a bit of stubble over his nicely sculpted chin and cheeks, thin, but not too skinny, with just a little bit of a pudge, sweet, considerate, intellectual, a great conversationalist, modest, kind, gentle, passionate and oh so affectionate. If I had to rate him on a scale from 1-10 regarding everything I want in a man, he'd get a 9.5 or a solid 10. He's the type of character I write about in my very own romance novels. He wasn't perfect, but he was perfect  for me. 

I met him spontaneously on one of the dating apps that I swore to never use again, except strictly out of boredom for some fun and quick laughs. (*cough cough* "Tinder" *cough cough*) But this is when I had already given up on finding love. This is directly after I shared that post titled "Signs" with you all and had discovered that there's no need in looking for something to make me complete when my life already is. 

But here was this polite, adorable stranger asking me out on a date unlike all of the other sex-crazed perverts on the app, and I was flattered and relieved. So I agreed.

We both decided that it would be more convenient for him to come to my place since that way we could just talk, cuddle, watch a movie on Netflix and get to know each other without spending any money, especially because we were both broke. Perhaps I fell into my own trap.

Our night was AH-mazing! We spent a little over 6 hours together just talking, watching a really awkward movie on Netflix (it's called 2 Days in New York and I would NOT recommend it! The plot gets lost and confusing and it's really weird. DON'T WATCH IT! It's a waste of time!), talking, getting to know each other, cuddling, kissing, and just holding each other. It was the BEST DATE of my LIFE! (by FAR!)

I was mesmerized by this guy! He was so endearing! And unlike all of the other overly aggressive and overtly sexual guys I've dated in the past who just touch you wherever they please, he bothered to ask permission before kissing me, before touching me, before holding me. It was the most refreshing thing ever! Sweetness, for me, is a weakness, and he had me at my most vulnerable!

He was such a gentleman (quite literally) and I thought I had FINALLY met "The One."

We seemed to connect on so many levels and as we were deep in conversation, I thought we were looking for the same things as well. So I was happy.

The next day, I was so high, I was dancing on the clouds! I felt butterflies in my stomach fluttering around all day, I listened to upbeat love songs randomly on my MP3 player and walked around with pep in my step. I was so glad to have finally found someone that I could ACTUALLY be with, especially after all of this time alone.

So, I talked to my best friend about it, and she was happy for me. And she reminded me that I should take the next step in asking him if he felt the same way. So I did. And it was NOT what I expected AT ALL.

The night before, he had told me that he liked strong, empowered women, much like myself, and that he admired me for it. He said he appreciated a woman who was decisive and assertive and was actually turned on by this. So, I went ahead and told him that I really liked him and wanted to see where this would take us. I asked what he thought about me and what he wanted out of this. His reply left me shattered.

He said that he didn't think we were a good match at all, that we weren't compatible and that he didn't want to lead me on, but would be open to being friends.

I was devastated.

I politely declined his offer to be friends as that would be such a tease. This guy was my vision of "The One," I got to be in his arms for a night, and now, he was rejecting me?

As much as I'd hate to admit it, I guess I really fell in love with him. Over the span of just a few hours. And I know what many of you are going to say or what you're thinking, "Wow, seriously?! In love with a guy on the first date? You must be desperate! You must be INSANE! That's pathetic." But you know what? Not to me. He was sooo close to what I picture in my mind for myself. If I had a checklist of every feature and quality I would want my ideal partner to have, he would get 99 out of 100! And it was absolutely crushing to know that he didn't feel the same way about me.

I was depressed for a couple of weeks. I cried every night. I felt broken.

After I collected my thoughts, I texted him again and asked exactly what he was looking for in a relationship. And he told me:

1) He was Vegan. And he needed to be with another Vegan. (pretty shallow, right?)

2) He knew I was waiting to have sex. (possibly until marriage) And he wasn't really willing to wait that long. (which is NOT what he told me when we were together. He said he didn't want to rush into sex too quickly because he had trust issues and had been hurt before. LIES!)

3) Because I was waiting to have sex, he insinuated that I was religious and he didn't want to be with anyone who would enforce this upon him. (which is insulting because I consider myself spiritual, but not at all religious!)

Yeah, for those 3 reasons, he decided that it was best not to be with me.

I would have been more than supportive and understanding of his Vegan diet! I was already planning out dates at all of the Vegan restaurants I know about! And I am waiting to have sex, yes, but he made it seem like he was too. And the religion thing? Seriously!?

This made me mad at myself. It made me want to change. I thought I was losing my soulmate and all because I had a different lifestyle than him. But at what cost?!

Why should I be the one to change? As women, why are we always the first ones willing to make sacrifices, compromise, and mold ourselves into what men want? (or better yet, into what society wants?)

Sex, to me, is sacred. I am a Demisexual in that I will only give in to such carnal pleasure when I am irrevocably in love with someone, possess a deep, emotional connection with them, and have complete trust in them. So yes, I will wait as long as necessary.

And I'm sorry I like to eat meat! But why should I change these things about myself for just one man? Just for one person?

The answer is I shouldn't. None of us should. But that was just it. He made me vulnerable, and affection always does.

Because I wasn't fortunate enough to have a good childhood with loving, supportive, considerate and empathetic parents, I am left with a void in my heart that gives me this relentless need for affection. It leaves me feeling empty.

And when I'm lucky enough to get an ounce of compassionate, tender affection, I cling onto it for dear life. It makes me high like a drug. I become addicted. And when it leaves, I face the bitter withdrawal that makes me sick and utterly sad.

So if there is anything I've learned from this experience, it's that I have to be careful with what I do with my heart, body, and mind. I have to be cautious with every man, or woman, I let into my room and onto my bed, even if it is just to cuddle and kiss.

It really sucks that it has to be that way, but I'm tired of being vulnerable. I am very giving of my heart and of my love, I am very open, but perhaps it's best I become more closed to protect myself.

Also, I got 2 more poems out of it:

"Tired Eyes and Subtle Smiles"

We lied together for hours,

In this room,

On this bed,

bare chested,

staring at the ceiling like it was covered in constellations,

peeking out the window for miles

deep in conversation

exchanging looks of admiration

with tired eyes and subtle smiles.

You held me in your arms,

kissed the surface of my skin,

turned me down to massage my back

suckled the bottom of my ear,

while breathing heavily on my neck,

your warm breath causing me to moan

and writhe upon the bed sheets

as your hands glided over me and

you brushed my hair away to wipe my lips

with the padding of your thumb

and softly squeeze my cheek between your fingers.

I liked you, and I thought you liked me too.

I thought so far ahead as to taking you out

to numerous dinners and finding places

all across the campus to sneak around and hide with you

and whisper, laugh, and share a kiss or 2.

But all dreams were crushed when I learned that you didn’t feel the same way,

it was only for a day,

and we went our separate ways.

But I still think about you,

and your kindness and gentle touch

and the passion that ignited in my heart

flames so vivid they would burn bright,

their embers floating through the cool still air of night.

And I still remember exchanging glances,

our tired eyes and subtle smiles,

me as giddy as a child

alive and wild

calm and beguiled.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The Love that Never Was

In my head

you were a piece of fiction,

a measly, mere ambition,

a product of fruition,

a dream of acquisition.

But then I got the chance to meet

everything I did envision.

And now I face defeat

since it ended in rescission.

I gained what I never had,

but then I lost the opportunity.

And now I’m driven mad

by the vacant possibility.

My frequent inclination

towards swift infatuation

is just a saturation

it’s a manifestation

of my dense deprivation

of and for consideration.

And all of this information,

this staunch realization,

was learned through the stimulation

of one deep, compassionate, intellectual

conversation.

I thought it was worth believing

in what everyone else does.  .  .

So now, in my heart I’m grieving

The love that never was.

In my younger years, I was neglected

Blatantly disrespected,

and you so luridly reflected

everything that I expected

that would have relished and protected

all of me left dejected.

One fervent night with you    

was so influential.

But now it’s all askew

‘cause I’ve  lost all of the potential.

Though grateful to have received your amorous affection,

I know now that it was never your intention

to leave me hanging here desperately craving your attention.

Looking back, I guess this is just my own perpetual projection.

I tried so hard achieving

and I guess that’s just because

I’ve always been grieving

The love that never was. 

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As published in one of my favorite magazines, The Painted Brain, in a comic by Sarafin, "Tragedy is a gift for the creative mind." This is definitely true for me. It's how I cope. 

Immediately after this situation, I deleted every dating app off of my phone, and I haven't used any since.

I'm not giving up on love, per se, but I'm taking a break from it, as long as needed for my heart to heal.

And I am certainly not putting my time and energy into dating apps where it is wasted and never reciprocated.

I am tired of being hurt and rejected. What's best for me is to continue being happy through my relationships with close relatives and friends and the work that I do to achieve my goals and aspirations. My passions in writing, music, Feminism, fashion, film, Psychology and caring for others are what fulfill me, so I will thrive off of them. I will live and dream on.

As always, thanks for reading. <3

Let's Talk About Me & BDSM

Hi Readers!

Thanks for checking in!

I'm soooooo sorry that I haven't been posting regularly. My schedule is still pretty chaotic, as always.

So, last quarter, I was fortunate enough to take the AH-mazing class Communication Studies 1: Principles of Oral Communication with Professor Marde Gregory, who's a phenomenon herself! She's an opinionated and experienced 66 year old lady who dresses eccentrically vibrant with gaudy, loud colors and tons of jewelry and accessories (arms covered with watches and bracelets and a neck layered in necklaces) and lives to the beat of her own drum. The woman is a GENIUS!

Anyways, she had us do 2 speeches in her class. The first one was to be 2 minutes long and it had to be about what makes us "Ordinary." Not "Different" or "Unique" or "Original", but what makes us "Ordinary" and like everyone else. All of the speeches ended up being autobiographical but still had to achieve the prompt. (this one is basically like the abridged version of my life story) Here is mine:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sky Lea Ross

November 6^th, 2014

(Date Delivered)

Communication Studies 1

Speech: What’s Ordinary About Me?

Hi everyone. My name is Sky Lea Ross and I’m a 4^th year Gender Studies Major.

I think what’s ordinary about me are my emotions. As humans, we all have them. But I feel that many of us choose to ignore them. We numb ourselves with alcohol, drugs, sex, food, heck, even work. But I didn’t do any of those. Though, what I did was probably just as bad.

I decided to bottle my emotions inside and hide them from everyone else as well as myself.

Let’s just say, the early stages of my life weren’t easy. As far as a childhood goes, mine never existed.

I was raised by very verbally and physically abusive as well as emotionally and financially neglectful parents.

I’m talking about getting burned with cigarettes, having nails dug into my flesh, being slapped in the face repeatedly, not being able to visit friends and family, not being able to go on field trips, not being able to go outside, you name it.

And to add to the pain, kids at school were ridiculously cruel. They called me ugly every day. They called me a bitch. They put anything they could find off of the floor in my hair. Pencil shavings, pencil lead, staples, candy wrappers, balled up paper, broken pieces of eraser, anything they could find.

And I still bottled up all of my feelings. And what happens when you bottle up something that’s under immense pressure and stress? It explodes. And that’s exactly what I did. I exploded.

I was suicidal starting from the age of 9 all the way through middle school and even into high school when I got put into foster care.

And it didn’t help that I was later diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar Disorder.

But now that I’m older and I’ve had all of these experiences, I’ve become more in tune with my emotions. I have learned to release them and express them. I go to therapy regularly and I vent to my friends and family.

I’ve even learned how to channel my feelings into creative energy. I’ve written over 70 songs, 30 of which are finished, they just need to be recorded. Over 90 poems, over 20 short stories and I’m currently working on 4 novels, one of which will be my autobiography.

So, I challenge you all to express yourselves! Release your emotions! Don’t ignore them, distract yourself from them or hide from them. Just be open to embracing them.

As my awesome mentor, Ariel Penn, who is also a UCLA alumnus, always says, “Feel your feelings. They can become a catalyst for positive action.”

Thank you.

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I never knew I had a knack for public speaking, but my first speech in this class was really well received and Professor Gregory immediately named me among the top 3 speakers in the class. I got tons of praise and constructive feedback from my classmates and was ready to go on to the final stage. 

Right before that, however, I came down with a fever of 101.6 degrees for 4 consecutive days and was worried, so I went to the nearest Urgent Care and they diagnosed me with Bronchitis. This came from out of the blue, I was not expecting to be sick at all, but it's no surprise. I grew up with heavy second hand smoking that severely damaged my immune system and I was actually grateful to have received this diagnosis since I feel that this is something I have always had to deal with. I've always had lung problems and I was glad that someone finally recognized this and gave me an inhaler to help resolve it. 

Anyways, because of the Bronchitis, I was out for 2 weeks straight! I missed all of my classes and I wouldn't have eaten if it weren't for my lovely staff of RAs who came to my room to deliver food and kind words. Thank goodness they exist!

After I was well enough to go back to class, I came back on the final day to present my last speech. The prompt this time was to discuss something controversial or not really well known, and we had 5 mins this time, so I decided to talk about BDSM. Here's how that went:

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Sky Lea Ross

December 17^th, 2014

(Date Delivered)

Communication Studies 1

Final Speech: BDSM; It’s Not What You Think

For the last two weeks as I was suffering with Bronchitis, I emailed both Marde and Arash and asked them to fill me in on what I missed and to tell me what exactly the final entailed. They both pretty much told me that the prompt was to discuss something controversial, provocative or to teach everyone something new.

Well, when I think of something that’s controversial, that most people don’t know anything about or that is commonly misunderstood, I think of the BDSM scene.

Now, a lot of people tend to think that members of the BDSM community are perverts, freaks, murderers, rapists, serial killers or psychologically damaged, and none of these are actually true. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

For those of you who don’t know what BDSM is, it stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. We’ll go through this step by step.

Bondage is pretty self-explanatory. It’s the act of tying up or being tied up. This can be done with rope, chains, sheets, hand-cuffs, or anything you have handy.

Discipline is also self-explanatory. It’s the necessity of practicing restraint, which is very important in the practice of BDSM because those who do must avoid self-harm or harming others.

Sadism and Masochism are where it gets a little more complex.

The word “Sadistic” tends to have a very negative connotation. People use it when they're referring to Hitler and they might say things like “oh, that person is sadistic, they’re evil, they enjoy causing others pain and making them miserable.”

Again, when it comes to BDSM this is not true. Of course, the word can be used that way and it does hold some truth that, yes, Sadists are those who enjoy inflicting pain on others, but it’s not done to make them miserable. It’s done to give others pleasure, and that’s where Masochists come in.

As some of you may already know, Masochists are those who enjoy receiving pain.

Some of the activities done within BDSM include:

Flogging or Whipping,

Skin Piercing with needles or other sharp objects,

Asphyxiation or what they like to call “breath play” in which suffocation is done but in a safe way

Electric shocks, which are rare

And Body Branding, which may be done with hot candle wax or other hot objects.

Most people tend to think these activities are not usually done by the general public, but this is, in fact, also incorrect. According to a recent survey done, over 43% of respondents claimed to participate in BDSM activities either half of the time or all of the time within their sexual encounters.

Other studies done on the market of BDSM items and toys have shown that there has been a 50% increase in the sales of Whips, an 80% in the purchase of Blindfolds, and a 100% increase in the sales of Handcuffs. There are many other statistics on other items that are more X-rated, but I won’t mention them because you get the idea.

But basically, BDSM is a culture that requires much trust and compassion and it involves romance because it’s all about exercising limits and making sure that you don’t hurt the other person.

It’s not all about leather either. When most people imagine BDSM they think about a person decked out in all leather with a face mask on, but it’s not centered around leather, although many individuals within the BDSM scene may be fond of the style.

The Professional Dominatrix does exist, and these are people who are paid to inflict pain on a willing recipient. And it tends to be mostly politicians who purchase these services due to the reverse of power balance. Politicians are authority figures with much power and influence, and therefore some of them really appreciate being dominated.

Like the gay/queer scene has Tops and Bottoms, BDSM is focused on Doms and Subs, or those who are dominant or submissive.

And BDSM is a very stigmatized community. Many members are closeted in fear that they may be ostracized by their friends and family since it’s so taboo to talk about. And that’s exactly why I’m talking about it now.

You’re probably wondering, “Why does Sky care about this? Who gives a crap?” But I care for 2 reasons:

1) As I’ve said before, I am an adamant Gender Studies Major and a Feminist, and I feel that people should be free to express themselves sexually in healthy ways.

And 2) As an avid writer, I do like to dabble in writing Romance novels as well as light Erotica, and though I don’t belong to the BDSM community myself, I want to represent various communities in ways that are fair, accurate and respectful.

The media has made representations of BDSM, like Rihanna’s song “S&M” and the book Fifty Shades of Grey, but both of these are problematic in that they can be either beneficial or detrimental to society.

Many argue that Fifty Shades of Grey has made a positive influence because it has introduced newcomers to the BDSM scene, and that’s great. It’s awesome that people are discovering this and opening their minds and expanding their horizons.

But a lot of people read this and think BDSM is new when it’s not. It’s been around for ages.

And Fifty Shades of Grey, as many critiques have argued, is poorly written and distasteful and is an inaccurate representation of BDSM.

So, my main point here is that humans are so quick to judge, and find fear, hate, or become disgusted by things that we don’t understand or aren’t knowledgeable about.

That’s why I urge you to be curious and explore the unknown and learn about things you don’t understand because things like BDSM aren’t what you initially think.

Thank you.  

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After I gave this speech, the room was filled with a loud applause and my Professor was in utter shock. She was speechless for a few minutes (ironically) and then gave me an earful about how much she loved it! 

And I passed that class (along with the rest) with flying colors!

Thanks for reading. <3

Signs

Greetings readers!

Gosh, it has been FAR too long. (SMH)

But guess what.    .    .?

I'm BACK! And ready to attack!

(Okay, that was cheesy, but don't mind me, I'm just excited to be writing again.)

Sorry I disappeared into the black abyss. I was busy as HEEEELLLL with summer training for my Resident Assistant Position, studying for the GRE, applying for Graduate School, acing Fall quarter (All A's baby!), being sick with Bronchitis (for over 2 motha' f*ckin' weeks!) and catching up with friends and fam over the holidays, and being sick again for another week. (and I learned a lot more about myself as you will see in this post.)

But I've FINALLY gotten a chance to sit the hell down and write about what's on my mind. And here's what is:

Do you ever find yourself in situations where you don't really have a strong, gut feeling about what you want to do? You have to make a hard decision but you don't know which option to choose? You get so desperate that you ask God for a sign?

Well, I was just in this same predicament myself. Here's what happened:

So, the day before New Years Eve, my beloved Auntie Robin and I were driving to LAX to pick up my GBF Cuahuctemoc who flew in from Berkeley. On our way there, we were in slight traffic on the freeway, so we had over an hour to just hash things out in a good 'ole fashioned conversation.

We had a confessional heart-to-heart where we discussed the men in our lives who hurt us. I mentioned a certain someone who was a long time family friend and a severe alcoholic and happened to steal my heart and then crush it by literally ditching me more than once. Yes, I mean literally. He brought me to the movie theaters and to a restaurant (two separate occasions) just to leave me there, by myself, stranded without him! He didn't answer his phone (cause he didn't have it on him or was just absent minded) when I called him over 20 times and he made me feel humiliated and abandoned.

And all of this was AFTER he promised to get his life together and informed me of his goals to become a better person for me and for himself and he said he could see a future with me and him where we'd have a family and be happy. His admiration for me caught me off guard, I was so oblivious to his feelings for me all along. He swooned me in one romantic night we spent together. He held me and made me feel so safe and secure.  .  .  He said so many kind words to me, showered me with so many compliments that warmed my heart and left me flattered, .  .  . He kissed me with his lips so softly and made me melt into putty in his arms.  .  .

But I guess I was gullible and naive to ever trust or believe in what he had to say to me, because he went back on all of his words. We could never be a functional, healthy couple, because he couldn't even function as my friend! He would run off to get high or drunk and leave me alone to wait on his return and babysit him when he came back. And during this time he even sexually harassed me. This man couldn't keep the promises he made to me because he couldn't even keep the promises he made to himself.

So after being betrayed and lied to multiple times, I made the vital decision to never talk to him again, and I stuck with it. But my Aunt Robin and I were reminiscing over our heart break and I confessed that even though it's quite easy for me to detach from people and never have the need, want, or intention to talk to them ever again after they have hurt me, he was different. He's one of the only people I've shunned who I still think about and care for and worry about and sometimes there's still a small, minuscule, teeny-tiny portion of me that wants to call him to see how he's doing. But I know it isn't worth it.

Well, things got really creepy. Right after my Aunt Robin and I had this deep conversation, the following day, New Years Eve morning, I get a loooong message from my cousin Dawn. She tells me that this certain someone has messaged her on Facebook regarding me. He is in a rehabilitation program all the way on the other side of the country and undergoing a possible 12 step program to recover. She assumes he must be on step 9, "to make amends," and that he has been given a computer privilege to apologize to all of those who he has hurt. And apparently I was significant enough on his list for him to contact my cousin and tell her in detail all of the things he's sorry for putting me through. How nice.  .  .

He leaves her with two phone numbers for me to reach him with, and my cousin just wanted to be the messenger, unbiased and non-partial, which she was very good at.

Of course, I decide right away that I'm ignoring his request. I'm not gonna call him. F*ck him! And at first I was settled strongly with this decision. But then I thought about it for a while.

The next few days I completely forgot that it happened. It struck me as creepy because it was out of the blue, but it was out of sight and out of mind at the time. But during the duration of the rest of this week, little tiny reminders would pop into my head and make me debate whether I was making the right choice or not. And I wondered and pondered.  .  .

Until now.

I was with a friend and fellow RA on our usual Sex and the City binge and we happened to be on the last season. (if you watch the show and know me well enough, then all identities will be revealed. I'm already giving too much info away) Coincidentally, in the last season, she is dating a guy who is the EXACT same ethnicity as my certain someone. And the actor who plays this character has the EXACT same first name as my certain someone too. Odd, right!?

So I watch the show. I see how this character treats Carrie Bradshaw, (the main character) and I think to myself, "Damn, maybe I should call him."  And then I pray to God: "God, please give me another sign! I need to know the right thing to do!"

I continue watching. Well, in the show, this relationship doesn't work out. It fizzles. At first, it's a romantic and fantastical journey and they seem so in love and like he's the one and everything is right and it falls into place only to later dissolve. They're not meant to be together.

She finds that in her heart, she's still in love with another man. And the life she's living with this new fellow just isn't for her. At a certain point in the season, she loses her "Carrie" necklace. It's a personalized piece of jewelry that isn't worth much, but it means the world to her and cannot be replaced. She, essentially, loses herself. She misses her best friends and the life she made for herself back in New York. She's terrified, disappointed and abandoned.

But in the series finale, she finds her "Carrie" necklace and is overwhelmed with tears of joy, and the show ends with her going back home to reunite with her best friends and take back what's rightfully hers.

Well, this was my sign.

It's funny, cause earlier that day, I was talking to my friend Vanessa, and I told her how I always wanted the "Open Heart Pendant" from Kay Jewelers but that I would never buy it for myself because that seems pathetic. It's designed by the actress Jane Seymour and it's supposed to represent opening your heart and your willingness to find love and let it in. Growing up and seeing it in the commercials on TV as a child has always led me to want one for myself since I think it's so sweet and sentimental, but I would feel silly purchasing something like that for myself.

And last month, me and my best friend Edith were joking about wanting a "make out session" for Christmas as our only present, so I played around on apps like Whisper and Tinder trying to find a cuddle buddy only to find an awkward 35 year old man who I was NOT attracted to at all in any way, shape, or form and a bunch of requests for unsolicited sex. It was a major reality check.

But watching this last season of Sex and the City opened my eyes to what was really right. Carrie lost her necklace in foreign land with this man who claimed to really love her but didn't even know how to. She was living a life that wasn't hers, it was his, and it was all wrong. But she left, and she found herself again and returned home to her friends, to her work, to her life, to the place where she truly belonged.

This is exactly what I needed.

It was right for me to not call him. Why should I go crazy trying to find "Mr. Right" when I'm perfectly content the way things are? I love my alone time and being free and spending time with my friends and family.  That's what matters most to me.

Society constructs us to constantly look to others for validation when we should really be validating ourselves.

I shouldn't waste time looking to find a certain someone. I should be trying to find myself.

In the famous last words that Ru Paul says at the end of every episode of Ru Paul's Drag Race, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?!"

So I ordered a personalized "Sky" necklace as my own keepsake.

And to top it all off, I went on Facebook to find that one of my friends, Ashlie, had written the most insightful post:

When something repeats itself in life, perhaps that's something telling you to take another look at that situation and reevaluate how you handled it the first time. Feeling some type of way right now. All in all I feel as if this time I'm making the right choice for me.

What better signs could I have asked for?

                                                       

                                                                                                           Thanks for reading. <3